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One of the most interesting lessons we have to learn as a parent is that no matter how many books we read about parenting and parenting styles, our children do not read them. They do not read the books. They do not scan the articles. They do not get the memo. Does this mean we shouldn’t read the books or devote thought and planning to what kind of parent we want to be? Not at all. It just means that we have to remember to be flexible.
Step one in being flexible is remembering for whom the parenting books and styles are developed and articulated: us as parents. I have read a lot of parenting books on everything from attachment parenting to the Ferber method and in between and beyond, and my main conclusion from all of these books is that our parenting style “of choice” is often more determined by who we are as people already, than by any actual decision we make. In other words, our parenting philosophy is the culmination of our biologically determined nature and our life experiences to date, including our learning and study. It is our own nature and nuturing determining how we will nuture someone else. The books are there to guide us in developing our thoughts, beliefs, and plans for how to parent, especially through the tough times of discipline and other serious obstacles.
Step two is to realize that because your child is not going through this same process, is not reading from the same page, they very well may turn their nose up at your parenting style of choice. That is totally ok. Part of the reason there are so many kinds of parenting philosophies is because there are so many kinds of personalities – both in parents and in babies. Infants have a lot of similar needs and requirements, but they also have wildly different personalities from the moment they enter the world.
For instance, some babies are just sleepers. They just are. There is no magic parenting talent at work there.
Some children latch as if it is the easiest thing in the world. Others struggle despite hours of lactation consultations.
When you have a child who sleeps poorly or has trouble feeding, there are many interventions you can make to help solve the problem. Some will be successful, some will not. The point is that every child is different, and some are very different from their parents. Biological or adopted makes no difference. We have diverse genetic make up that often results in children with temperaments distinct from our own.
Step three is to remember that such differences do not mean you throw all you learned about parenting and all you planned for your parenting out the window. Neither does it mean you have “failed” at your particular definition of “good” parenting. It just means you adjust. You take the focus off of your own goals and ideas, and listen to the baby. Does your child respond well to a schedule? Mine always did. If I missed putting him down by 15 minutes, he would toddle into his own room, shut the door, and go to sleep, even at 10 months of age. Does your child resist scheduling? You may have to go with that demand for irregularity for a while. How does your child feed? All those books that say a child feeds 8-12 times a day as a newborn forgot to mention that mine would feed 15-17 times for a few days and then 5-6 the next few days, a pattern that did not even fit the idea of “cluster feeding.”
Obviously, you can take even flexibility too far, and the first one to suffer when that happens is always mom. I am not suggesting that you make your every moment child-determined from now until they turn 18. I am merely pointing out that parenting is a profession unique to each and every practitioner of it. Do your research, know yourself, focus on your child, and develop a style that works for you and your baby. That is the real definition of “good” parenting.
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